From the “Staff and Hammer” Blog
By Dan Hult
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
-Colossians 3:18-21, ESV
We have been discussing biblical patriarchy and how it is God’s design for all human institutions. After exposing the shortcomings of complementarianism, we defined biblical patriarchy. Last time, we started discussing biblical patriarchy in the home by addressing marriage. Now, I will expand on that scope of responsibility and authority to include the rest of the household. We must then address the sins that define our culture’s image of the household before painting a biblical picture of a flourishing patriarchal household. In the future, we will discuss what biblical patriarchy looks like in the local church and society.
Responsibility and Authority in the Household
To paint the patriarchal household, we need to start with the right canvas: responsibility and authority. Last time, we saw that the husband is the head of his household. His wife, children, and anyone else living there are his responsibility and thereby under his authority. A man actually has greater authority over his wife and children than civil magistrates, teachers, bosses, pastors, and the children’s grandparents.[1] His wife and children therefore owe him greater submission than they owe to anyone but God. That submission includes respect in all circumstances and obedience unless that obedience would be sinful.
The husband’s authority extends beyond his wife and children to everyone living in the household, including aging parents, relatives, and friends. As adults responsible for their own lives, the patriarch of the household has less responsibility and therefore authority over them. Nevertheless, he does have authority to set house rules, particularly involving his wife and children. Following Joshua 24:15, he decrees “as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD”. Therefore, at the very least, the father must make sure that household members not interfere with the family attending church or participating in family worship. He can also dictate how household members speak and act around his wife and children. For example, he could prohibit foul language and immodest attire around his children. If he wants to set rules beyond this, such as church attendance, family worship participation, and household chores, he should address that with anyone before they join his household.
Since the wife has responsibility and authority to manage the home, others within the household must recognize her authority as well. This is why we are commanded: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). Everyone in the household must submit to the husband’s authority over the household and the wife’s authority within the household.
In many ways, the household is the most important and foundational institution. A breakdown in the family leads to a breakdown in society. Therefore, the Law held patriarchs accountable and outlawed rebellion against them. For example, a promiscuous young woman would be executed at the door of her father’s house, highlighting how his failure to properly raise her had facilitated her sin (Deuteronomy 22:13-21). However, a man who refused to obey his parents would be executed away from his father’s house because as an adult, his rebellion was his own responsibility (Deuteronomy 21:18-21).
The husband also represents his household. He is the voice of everyone in his household and makes decisions on their behalf. This is clearest in the laws regarding vows. If a man made a vow to God, he was obligated to keep it without exception (Numbers 30:1-2). In contrast, if a woman made a vow to God, her patriarch could annul that vow (Numbers 30:3-16). By giving patriarchs the authority to establish or annul the vows of the women entrusted to their care, God prioritized obedience to patriarchs above those vows, which in turn provided protection for these women. Considering the importance of keeping our promises to God, this is an astounding endorsement of patriarchal authority.
If the scope of authority and submission in the household seems oppressive, it is because we have allowed the feminist culture to completely permeate our churches. As a result, we tolerate several sins which must be addressed before we can paint a picture of a godly household.
Socially Acceptable Sins Against Spouses
The first of these sins is the rampant dishonor of men in general and husbands in particular. In the media, husbands are portrayed as childish idiots while their “strong”—i.e., disrespectful and condescending—wives are the epitome of wisdom. It is sinful to entertain these caricatures because we are to outdo one another in showing honor (Romans 12:10), and wives are commanded to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). It is likewise disrespectful to call the wife “the better half”. A woman being “the neck that turns the head” is not godly submission but usurpation and manipulation like wicked Jezebel.
We should also be cautious of referring to either spouse as a partner, since it advances the misconception of marriage as a joint venture of partners with equal authority. Better terms from Scripture would be “companion” (Proverbs 2:17, Malachi 2:14) and “beloved” (Song of Solomon 1:16, 2:8, 6:3). When Peter uses Sarah as the example of wifely submission, he points out how she called Abraham her lord (1 Peter 3:6 cf. Genesis 18:12). That term bestowed honor on great men who had authority over others and the responsibility to care for them. Therefore, a wife should think of her husband as her lord (her authority, protector, caretaker). We no longer use the term “lord” in this way, so she is not required to refer to him by that term.
The often-celebrated attitude of wives today—quarreling, nagging, fretting (Proverbs 21:19), and disobedience without biblical warrant—is the opposite of what Scripture commands. If we would place an abusive or neglectful husband under church discipline, why would we not do the same to a wife who is quarrelsome, nagging, and fretful? I am not equating these sins or saying that a wife should not respectfully confront her husband’s sin. What I am saying is that we should treat unrepentant patterns of sin as serious as they are—and these sins are particularly prevalent today.
Equally sinful are passivity and laziness among husbands. Scripture strongly condemns men who refuse to provide for their families (1 Timothy 5:8) and repeatedly calls men to exhibit noble character. After Peter commanded wives to honor and obey their husbands as their lords, he called husbands to live up to the title: “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). For far too long, we have allowed men to wallow in the world’s low standard of manhood rather than calling them to the higher standard Scripture sets.[2]
These sins often lead to the sin of unbiblical divorce. God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), and Jesus only allowed it under specific circumstances (Matthew 19:1-9). Therefore, pursuing an unbiblical divorce is grounds for church discipline. Nevertheless, many churches rightly decry the evils of abortion, homosexuality, and gender confusion but fail to see the evils of no-fault divorce. We are to do justice and love our neighbors as ourselves (Leviticus 19:18), but the family court system is financially incentivized to unjustly squeeze every penny out of men.[3] Furthermore, since God gives fathers primary responsibility for raising their children (Ephesians 6:4), defaulting to the mother regarding custody is contrary to Scripture. Churches must do what they can to hold men and women to their marriage vows, discipline those who seek unbiblical divorce, and refuse to admit into membership anyone who is unrepentant of a previous unbiblical divorce. Rampant divorce curtails the building of God’s Kingdom, so we should treat it as the sin and the danger that it is.
Socially Acceptable Sins Against Parents
Society and many churches also sin by refusing to recognize that parents have authority over everything regarding their children. Parents—not doctors or politicians—have responsibility for their children’s health, so parents have the God-given authority to make decisions regarding food, medications, and medical procedures. Others only have the right to intervene when the children would be harmed.
Parents—not teachers or administrators—are responsible for instructing their children, so parents have the God-given authority to determine what their children learn. That means parents who send their children to school have a right to know exactly what their children are being taught and to withdraw them from any lesson they choose—a right which the Supreme Court recently upheld. Parents also have the authority to know exactly what happens when their children are with school nurses and counselors unless the parents are suspected of harming their children. All who fail to recognize and affirm this parental authority are sinning.
Parents have the responsibility to raise their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, so the majority of children’s spiritual education needs to come from parents, not pastors, youth group leaders, or Sunday school teachers. Many parents sin by neglecting this, and many churches sin by facilitating that neglect through their Sunday school and youth programs. There is nothing inherently wrong with these programs, but they often serve as convenient excuses for parents to evade this important duty. The same can be said for daycares and schools. While godless public schools should be avoided whenever possible, good Christian schools can be quite helpful. However, even good schools become bad when they facilitate sin by allowing parents to prioritize their careers over raising their children.
Until we repent of these sins, we will not see our homes flourish.
A Flourishing Home
What does the flourishing home look like? First, it looks like men and women embracing God’s good design for marriage. It looks like a husband on mission building God’s Kingdom and embracing his roles as head, provider, protector, and pastor of his family. He works hard at his job as unto the Lord, not seeing his job as a mere paycheck but as an opportunity to serve others and advance the Kingdom. He ensures his job can support his family long term. His job is secondary to being a husband and father, and all his work is ultimately for the benefit of his family. When he is home, he is not zoned out on the couch but engaged with his family. It is clear to anyone who enters the home that he is the patriarch, and everyone under his care benefits from his godly exercise of authority. He also understands the importance of cultivating godly character and setting the example for his family to emulate. In exercising authority, he always prioritizes his family’s ultimate good over his own and honors his wife as a co-heir of salvation.
A flourishing home looks like a wife joining her husband on his mission and embracing her roles as his helper, crown, disciple, and home-builder. She is focused on the home, raising her children to follow Christ and build the Kingdom in their own ways. If she must work outside the home, she does not let that work detract from her responsibilities in the home. Toward that end, she takes her husband’s provision and multiplies it for the ultimate good of her family. She honors her husband, respectfully provides him with wise counsel, and does him good not ill. Her home is a warm and welcoming place for him, the children, and guests. Under her husband’s leadership, she does not fret about the future but follows him—and in following him finds immense freedom.[4] According to Toby Sumpter, “When a man leads his wife to obey Christ, this is a great blessing, and a Christian woman should gladly submit to her husband. She should see Christ standing behind her husband, and as he is leading her in obedience to Christ, she should gladly obey.”[5]
In this home, both parents lovingly raise and discipline their children for their ultimate good. Since God holds fathers responsible for this, a father who abdicates this responsibility cannot be a godly man. Voddie Baucham puts it this way:
For too long heads of household have been led to believe that bringing their children to church and dropping them off to be discipled by the professionals is the extent of their parental duties when it comes to their children’s spiritual development. That’s why spiritual passivity has become such an epidemic.
-Voddie Baucham Jr., Family Shepherds, 76.
Attending church every Sunday is important, but it is not enough. Godly parents must also ensure Scripture permeates their lives throughout the week. One of the most effective tools for this work is a catechism, which is a set of questions and answers designed to teach doctrine.[6] A child who memorizes and understands the Westminster Shorter Catechism, Heidelberg Catechism, or Keach’s Catechism will have a robust understanding of vital doctrines.
Parents must not merely teach their children but also disciple them. We often assume that the Great Commission means preaching the Gospel to those outside the family, but our children are our most important disciples. One way to disciple children is through daily family worship. Voddie Baucham defines it well: “Family worship isn’t a full-on church service every day; instead it’s a brief time of devotion before the Lord …. You sing together, pray together, and read the Scriptures together. Giving fifteen to twenty minutes a day to these simple practices will transform your family.”[7]
Dealing with Theological Differences
One final topic worth discussing is dealing with theological differences within the household. Even if a couple is aligned when they marry, their convictions on certain doctrines may change as they study Scripture, resulting in differing convictions. Some of these differences have serious practical implications, like whether or not to baptize the children, when those children should partake of communion, and what is appropriate to do on Sundays. As the spiritual leader of his home, the husband has the responsibility and authority to determine the family’s practices related to these doctrines. Nevertheless, he should patiently and gently work through differences with his wife, answering her questions so that she can submit in good conscience. If she cannot, he should strongly consider postponing implementation until she can.
The wife may also come to a strong conviction about a certain practice. She must continue to honor her husband even as they disagree, patiently and respectfully discussing it with him and addressing any concerns he may have. This allows her husband to make the wisest decision in leading the family.
Let’s consider an example from my own marriage: head covering.[8] Even before we met, my wife Janell was one of a small but growing number of Christian women who, upon studying Scripture, have become convicted that head covering in worship is a universal command. I had not studied the issue enough to hold an informed view, but I had decided that if my wife believed in it, I would support her. If she was right, I would be sinning to prohibit the practice since I cannot compel her to sin. If she was wrong, it would be a “weaker brother” situation (Romans 14-15, 1 Corinthians 8-10). Therefore, I would still be sinning to prohibit the practice since I would be causing her to stumble. Furthermore, head covering is not sinful, so there was no harm in me supporting her regardless of my beliefs. I now agree with her interpretation, but even if I disagreed, I would be responsible for the theology and practice of my family. Therefore, I do not simply allow Janell to cover. Instead, I have determined that in my household, we practice head covering.
Theological differences do not require complete agreement for a husband to lead and for his wife to submit. Another much more serious theological disagreement between Janell and me is that of infant baptism. Through biblical study, I am paedobaptist while Janell is credobaptist. We knew that our convictions were in opposition prior to dating, so Janell sought to diligently test not just my knowledge on baptism, but—more importantly—my ability to properly exegete the Bible. We discussed many theological and practical topics, and she decided that I was a man that she could follow despite differences. Even without complete agreement, there can be submission. After all, is it truly submission if you agree on everything? Janell will joyfully submit to our future children being baptized, recognizing my authority to make this decision for our household. She will also be able to teach our children our family’s values and practices without binding her own conscience. Though we still disagree on this topic, we will continue to patiently study the Bible to work towards unity, me leading thoughtfully and Janell submitting joyfully through the journey.
In all such disagreements, the wife should be patient and respectful, and her husband should be patient and considerate of her convictions. This is just one way in which husbands must love their wives sacrificially as Christ loves the Church, and wives must honor their husbands as the Church honors Christ.
Conclusion
Obviously, much more could be said about this topic, but hopefully I have painted a clear picture of the godly patriarchal household that men and women need to work toward. This is of vital importance to the health of the Church, so equipping families to nurture this godly patriarchy should be a priority for every pastor. Next time, we will see what biblical patriarchy looks like in the local church, and then we will examine what it looks like in society at large.
[1] Zachary M. Garris, Masculine Christianity, Ann Arbor, MI: Reformation Zion Publishing: 2021: 102.
[2] See Michael Foster and Dominic Bnonn Tennant, It’s Good to Be a Man: A Handbook for Godly Masculinity, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2021.
[3] See George Gilder, Men and Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2023 and Zachary M. Garris, Masculine Christianity, Ann Arbor, MI: Reformation Zion Publishing: 2021.
[4] Toby J. Sumpter, No Mere Mortals: Marriage for People Who Will Live Forever, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2020: 56-58.
[5] Ibid: 60-61.
[6] Voddie Baucham Jr., Family Shepherds: Calling and Equipping Men to Lead Their Homes, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2011: 63-65.
[7] Ibid: 79.
[8] See Dale Partridge’s A Cover for Glory, the Head Covering Movement, and related episodes in seasons 2 and 4 of the Bright Hearth Podcast
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Dan Hult 