This is part of a series on marriage. Find the first post on the origin and beauty of marriage here and the importance of a mission that defines roles here.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered….So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory.

-1 Peter 3:7, 5:1-4, ESV

Previously, I have discussed how the distinction between men and women was created by God and is therefore very good.  From the very beginning, God ordained that the husband was to be the head of his family, lovingly and sacrificially leading them for their ultimate good.  God also ordained that the wife was to be his helper, submitting to that leadership and partnering with him so that together they can glorify God and accomplish His purpose.  I then laid out the importance of a mission for marriage based on the Cultural Mandate and Great Commission as the foundation for the roles within marriage.  The man defines the mission based on how God has called him to fulfill the Cultural Mandate in his specific context and then invites a woman to join him in that mission.  Like a Chief Executive Officer, the husband owns the mission, guiding his family to advance it.  Like a Chief Operations Officer, the wife then focuses on the family, so that together they advance the mission with their complementary skillsets.[1]  Finally, I noted that since roles are derived from the mission, they will vary based on context. However, there are some roles that are universal or nearly universal which Scripture speaks to directly. Now it is time to talk about those roles, starting with the husband.  In this, it is especially important that I as a single man stick to what Scripture clearly teaches, so let us say with the psalmist: “Let me hear what God the LORD will speak, for he will speak peace to his people, to his saints; but let them not turn back to folly” (Psalms 85:8).

Husband as Head

First, the husband is the head of the family. Paul gives this as the reason for wives to submit to their husbands: “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior” (Ephesians 5:23).  This headship reflects the Trinity: “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3).  As Doug Wilson pointed out, God does not command the husband to be head but recognizes him as head, so the husband cannot escape this role.[2]  Therefore the husband’s role as head is universal—every husband is the head of his family.  God is the one who appoints all leaders (Daniel 2:21), and with any such appointment God gives both the authority and responsibility commensurate with the office, so headship is about authority and responsibility.   As I discussed here, all authority comes from God and is delegated to people for the purpose of obedience, which means that the only authority anyone can have is that which God either explicitly or implicitly grants in Scripture.  Any use of authority that is not for the purpose of obeying God is misuse of authority.  This means that a husband can only use his authority as head of his family to love, cherish, nurture, protect, provide for, and foster holiness in his family as well as to lead them to obey God. 

More importantly, the fact that God has appointed the husband as head of his family means that God holds the husband accountable for his family.  This is the core of what male headship means, as Ray Ortlund explains: “In the partnership of two spiritually equal human beings, man and woman, the man bears the primary responsibility to lead the partnership in a God-glorifying direction” (emphasis original).[3]  Authority cannot come without responsibility.  God gave Adam the Cultural Mandate and therefore gave him the responsibility and authority to obey Him in advancing it before Eve was even created.  Therefore, when Adam and Eve sinned, God held Adam accountable by directly calling him out (see Romans 5)—and He has been holding men accountable for their families ever since.  Every decision is the husband’s decision, whether he made it himself or condoned it by not overruling it (Numbers 30:3-15).[4] This does not mean the husband is guilty of all of his family’s sins (Deuteronomy 24:16), but since his leadership (or abdication of leadership) affects every aspect of the lives of every family member, it does mean every husband will have to give an account to God for that.  Therefore, the husband’s headship is not a privilege but an immense responsibility.

While headship means that the husband cannot escape his responsibility, it also means that he is to delegate his authority. One of the most important jobs of any leader is to empower and support subordinate leaders.  Whenever a leader gives direction, that leader is also giving the required authority, which subordinate leaders then use to obey.  This means that to disobey the subordinate is to disobey the leader.  It also means that when a leader overrules the direction of subordinate leaders, it undermines their authority and jeopardizes their ability to obey.  A squadron commander learned this the hard way when he allowed a staff sergeant to do something that senior noncommissioned officers had already denied.  By overruling them, this commander had seriously undermined his subordinate leaders, which took months to rectify.[5]   Dads find themselves in a very similar position when children come to them after mom has already said “no”.   Headship means in leading his family, dad gives direction and its associated authority to mom for the purpose of parenting, and mom has used that authority to say “no”.  Therefore, overruling mom’s “no” undermines mom’s authority and therefore dad’s authority.  So part of headship is that every father must ensure that his children not only respect and obey him but also respect and obey their mother.[6]  If they disrespect or disobey their mother, God holds the man accountable as head.  This is what headship means—immense responsibility.  And again, the husband’s headship is an inescapable role.  Every husband can be either good head or a bad head, but is still head. 

Husband as Provider

Next, the husband is the provider for his family.  God put Adam in the Garden to work it (Genesis 2:15).  That term implies labor in service.  Adam was to work in service of the Garden (and ultimately service of God) by cultivating it.  When Eve was created to help Adam fulfill the Cultural Mandate, he knew that for her to fulfill her role as the “mother of all living” (Genesis 3:20), he would have to provide for her and for the children they would have.  Ever since, the expectation throughout most cultures has been that husbands will provide for their families through their work.  More than a cultural expectation, this is commanded for Christians: “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).  Scripture is full of commands for men to work diligently in order to provide for their families, adequately support the local church, and have enough left over to give generously to others.  The husband’s work is also the primary way by which he serves others and works to subdue the earth in his own lifetime.  Therefore, the focus of much of his time and effort should be on this vocation (i.e. calling). But here it is important to note that he must not become consumed by this work and thereby neglect his other duties and responsibilities to his family.

The husband’s role as provider goes far beyond his income from working hard in an honest vocation.  Like all leaders, he is responsible for providing a healthy environment in which his family can thrive.  This includes providing them with an adequate place to live and ensuring it is maintained.  It also includes providing the children with both discipline and instruction that facilitates their growth and does not provoke them to anger or discouragement (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21).  The husband must also provide wise guidance and counsel to his family: “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Proverbs 24:3-4).  Additionally, the husband must provide his wife with constant encouragement.[7]  The roles of the wife are often arduous, seemingly-fruitless, exhausting, and even maligned in our culture.  The husband—as part of his duty to wash his wife with the Word (Ephesians 5:26)—must counter the resulting discouragement with the encouragement of the Scriptures: “For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope” (Romans 15:4). 

Along with this, the husband is to provide his wife with praise (Proverbs 31:28-29).  The husband should regularly express his gratitude for everything his wife does for him and the family.  He also needs to praise her to others, especially in front of the children.  The husband should also provide his wife with the appropriate level of trust (Proverbs 31:11).  While there is certainly room (and necessity) for righteous jealousy to protect the marriage covenant from sin, that does not mean the husband should distrust and constantly second-guess his wife.  Effective teams rely much more on trust than on competence, so husband and wife must trust each other in order to be an effective team.[8]  The husband should trust his wife unless she has betrayed that trust.  This means that the husband leads with guidance and general oversight, not micromanagement.  Godly husbands follow the example of the Proverbs 31 husband, who does not micromanage his wife, but trusts her to take care of the home while he is busy working to provide for the family by doing what God has called him to do outside the home.  The husband must also provide stability.  The sun is compared to a bridegroom (Psalm 19:5), so since the sun is frequently used in Scripture to represent consistency and dependability, the husband should likewise provide consistency and dependability.  Finally, the husband must provide for his family spiritually, which I will discuss in more detail later.  In essence, the husband’s role as provider means that he is responsible to God to work hard to provide for his family everything they need to not only survive but thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, and Christ has provided us everything (1 Corinthians 3:21-23, James 1:17, 2 Peter 1:3).

This role is nearly universal, since illness, injury, disability, or other situations may prevent a husband from fulfilling it.  Even then, there are likely ways he can provide at least some of these things, so he should strive to provide them as best he can.  There are also times in which it is appropriate for the husband to temporarily refrain from being the primary breadwinner in order to focus on education in preparation for a vocation in which he will be the primary breadwinner. However, this should be the exception not the rule and should only be undertaken by agreement between husband and wife along with much prayer and wise counsel.[9]  Finally, note that the husband does not have to be the sole breadwinner to fulfill this role.  Recall that the Excellent Wife has various profitable business ventures, but her husband is still the primary provider such that she can focus on the home.  Her business is out of the surplus of her home-focused labors, not at their expense.  Similarly, she can and should provide wisdom, encouragement, education, and discipline, but those are still the responsibility of the husband.

Husband as Protector

The husband is also responsible for protecting his family.  God put Adam in the Garden not only to work it but also to keep it (Genesis 2:15).  That term literally means “to guard”, so Adam’s failure to protect the Garden (and his wife) from the serpent was a key element of the Fall.  Ever since, God has expected husbands to protect their families.  Throughout Scripture, we see that some husbands did better than others.  Jacob went to great lengths to protect his family (Genesis 32:6-8), but Nabal’s foolishness almost got his killed (1 Samuel 25:3-34).  Now that Christ has come, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church.  Since God promises to destroy anyone who destroys His Church (1 Corinthians 3:16-17), that love must include protection.  Husbands are therefore called to protect their families in various ways, all of which require strength. 

One major impact of generations of feminism poisoning the culture and the Church is the dilution and outright demonization of masculine strength as “toxic masculinity”.  Our culture teaches men to be effeminate and seeks to crush any masculine strength.  Churches have bought into this by overlooking any trace of masculinity in Scripture.  Therefore, many American Christians view Jesus as weak and harmless rather than the King of Kings whose robe is stained with the blood of the enemies He just trampled (Isaiah 63:2-6, Revelation 14:19-20, 19:11-16).  They also view the psalms as either feel-good love songs or overly-emotional sob stories.  Instead, those of us with military experience cannot help but notice the similarities between many psalms and the cadences about blood and gore that we would sing in formation.  Many psalms are war songs written by men to be sung by men on their way to war, and all of the songs sung by women in Scripture are either celebrating or anticipating victories.  Scripture celebrates masculine strength, so we should too. 

But that strength is not the macho, boneheaded, arrogant brute force that would rightly be considered toxic.  Instead, the biblical model of masculine strength is power under control (meekness).  As David Mathis observed here, David exemplified this by being one of the greatest warriors in the Bible but also showed great gentleness and restraint.  In this way, he prefigured Jesus Christ, who shows us perfect masculine strength.  Unlike arrogant toughness, this type of strength is not threatened by the healthy strength of others.  There is no denying that the Excellent Wife in Proverbs 31 is very strong and capable—enough to intimidate both weak and tough men.  Instead, her husband displays godly strength in both valuing and praising his wife for her strength, which he sees as an immense asset to him rather than a threat.  This type of strength protects rather than threatens, so this is the strength godly husbands effectively wield.

With godly strength, the husband first protects his family from physical threats as much as possible.  This includes criminals, wild animals, natural disasters, diseases, and any number of other possible dangers.  He also protects his wife and children from threats to their purity.  Whereas Abraham went to great lengths to protect Isaac’s purity (Genesis 24), his nephew Lot failed miserably to protect his daughters’ purity (Genesis 19:8,30-36).  Many men follow Lot’s example by not guarding their houses against such threats, especially in the digital realm.  Instead, husbands need to display jealousy, which is an attribute of God that Del Tackett defines as a zeal that arises when sin threatens a covenant relationship.[10]   Whereas sinful envy comes from selfishness and seeks to exalt self, righteous jealousy comes from love and seeks to protect the relationship.  Husbands also protect the joy of their families.  Joe Rigney observed how Psalm 19:5 likens the sun not only to a bridegroom but also to a strong man doing his work with joy, and that joy should be contagious.  Husbands also protect joy by leading their wives not with harshness (Colossians 3:19) but with gentle care that acknowledges both their delicacy and dignity (1 Peter 3:7) and leading their children with similar gentleness that does not provoke anger or discouragement (Colossians 3:21).[11]  Additionally husbands protect their families from sinning through constantly leading them back to Scripture, counseling their wives from Scripture, disciplining their children diligently in accordance with Scripture (Hebrews 12:5-11), and providing the final say to ensure their decisions accord with Scripture (Numbers 30:3-15).  Finally, husbands protect their families spiritually, which we will cover next. 

But first, it is important to note that like the role of provider, the husband’s role as protector is nearly universal.  There are some ways in which all husbands will be able to protect their families, but other ways in which their capacity will be severely limited by the effects of the Fall.  Also, no matter how strong he is, he may be faced with someone stronger (Luke 11:21-23).  And no matter how thorough he is, he can never anticipate and mitigate every threat his family may face.  For this, the strong man trusts in the LORD (Psalm 18).  Finally, there may come times in which a husband’s calling to advance the Kingdom comes in conflict with protecting his family physically, as is often the case for missionaries called to foreign lands or Christians under threat of persecution.  In these cases, husbands must still protect their families as much as practical while prioritizing the Kingdom.

Husband as Pastor

Christ is also our Great High Priest (Psalm 110:4, Hebrews 7:11-8:6), so the husband imitates Christ by serving as the pastor of his family.  In this role, he leads, provides for, and protects his family spiritually.  His discipline and instruction must be from Scripture, and he must lead by example in constantly studying and applying Scripture to all aspects of life.  A priest is also an intercessor, so while Jesus Christ is the only mediator between God and men (1 Timothy 2:5), husbands must intercede for their wives and children by praying for them often.  And just as pastors of the church lead corporate worship, husbands fulfill the role of pastor when they lead family worship, which is why the Westminster Standards cover both corporate worship and family worship.  Along those lines, husbands must lead their families to join, commit to, and actively participate in a faithful local church, submitting to the elders of that church.  As I discussed a while back, regular in-person attendance at a faithful local church that is not optional (Hebrews 10:25), so any husband who does not lead his family in this way is sinning and enabling his family to sin.  While good churches can be hard to find, that is no excuse.  They do exist, meaning that we cannot use the excuse of distance (where I live some people drive more than an hour each way) but must exhibit discipline by putting forth the effort to go to church and prioritize church over other activities, as I discussed here. 

To fulfill the role of pastor, a husband also needs to learn the Scriptures and the doctrines of the faith well enough to teach them to his family as their resident theologian.[12].  Paul states that if a wife wants to learn about Scripture or doctrine, she should ask her husband at home (1 Corinthians 14:35).  This implies that the husband can answer these questions, which necessitates diligent study.  The husband doesn’t have to have all of the answers, but when his wife has questions, he should be the first person she asks.  This also means that passages of Scripture about pastors apply to husbands as well.  The husband should therefore aspire to fulfill this noble role and be above reproach, faithful, self-controlled, able to manage well, gentle, upright, able to teach, hospitable, respectable, and disciplined (1 Timothy 3:1-7, Titus 1:5-9).  For the Christian husband, the role of pastor is universal even though it will look different in each context.

Imitating the Good Shepherd

Ultimately, all of these roles can be summed up by the role of imitating Jesus Christ in how He loves the Church (Ephesians 5:24-33).[13]  However, since Christ is both divine and the only Savior, husbands cannot imitate Him in every way.  Only Jesus is the bread of life (John 6:22-59), light of the world (John 8:12-30), door (John 10:1-10), resurrection and life (John 11:17-27), way, truth, and life (John 14:1-7), and true vine (John 15:1-11), so all we can do is point everyone to Him in everything we say and do.  But husbands can and should imitate Jesus as the Good Shepherd (John 10:11-30).  I have observed in my leadership paper how Scripture often uses the metaphor of the shepherd for leadership in general.  The Jewish leaders failed as shepherds, feeding themselves while exploiting and neglecting the people, so God promises to replace them and be the true shepherd of His people (Ezekiel 34).  This was fulfilled by Jesus as the Good Shepherd who calls us to imitate Him.  If we love Jesus, we like Peter will tend the sheep He has entrusted to our care (John 21:15-17).  Those entrusted to a husband’s care are first and foremost his wife and children.  So husbands should heed Peter’s exhortation to pastors: “shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory” (1 Peter 5:2-4).  Husbands should lead, provide for, protect, and pastor their families willingly, as a joy and not a burdensome duty.  They must not fulfill their roles out of desire for selfish gain but eager to cultivate their families’ growth in righteousness and maturity.  They must exercise oversight, but in doing so they must not be domineering or micromanaging but careful to set a good example.  Finally, husbands must never forget that God will reward their faithful efforts as they strive to imitate Christ by selflessly leading, providing for, protecting, and pastoring their families.

From Scripture, we can see that husbands are to fulfill the roles of head, provider, protector, and pastor of their families, imitating Jesus Christ the Chief Shepherd.  The roles of head and pastor are universal, while the roles of protector and provider are nearly universal.  How each husband fulfills these roles will differ depending on context, but to be faithful to what God has called him to as a husband, he must fulfill them all to some degree.  This is certainly daunting, and any man who is already a husband or aspires to be one would be foolish not to approach this noble calling with at least some trepidation and feeling of inadequacy.  So as with all things, husbands must depend on God to strengthen, guide, and sustain them in this high and necessary calling.  Any honest husband can identify many ways in which he fails regularly in these roles, and any future husband is naïve to think he will not likewise fail, so remember that when we fail there is grace and forgiveness in God through Jesus Christ. Next time, I will discuss the roles God has called wives to fulfill, but we must never forget that God expects the wife to fulfill her roles within the context of the husband fulfilling his.  Godly churches require godly families, which are built by godly husbands fulfilling their roles, so we must embrace these roles as vital to fulfilling both the Cultural Mandate and Great Commission.

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[1] Simon Sinek, The Infinite Game, New York, NY: Portfolio: 2019: 64-68.

[2] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 24.

[3] Raymond C. Ortlund, Jr., “Male-Female Equality and Male Headship: Genesis 1-3” in John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 119.

[4] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 48, 84.

[5] David L. Goldfein, Colonel, USAF, Sharing Success—Owning Failure: Preparing to Command in the Twenty-First Century Air Force, Maxwell AFB, AL: Air University Press: 2001: (link): 33-36.

[6] George W. Knight, III, “The Family and the Church: How Should Biblical Manhood and Womanhood Work Out in Practice?”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 420-421: Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 63.

[7] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 129-131.

[8] Simon Sinek, The Infinite Game, New York, NY: Portfolio: 2019: 108-113.

[9] George W. Knight, III, “The Family and the Church: How Should Biblical Manhood and Womanhood Work Out in Practice?”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 417-418.

[10] Del Tackett, “Lesson 7: Sociology: The Divine Imprint”, The Truth Project, Focus on the Family: 2006.

[11] Wayne Grudem, “Wives Like Sarah, and the Husbands Who Honor Them: 1 Peter 3:1-7”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 271-272.

[12] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 41-42.

[13] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 44.