This follows a series on marriage. Find the first post on the origin and beauty of marriage here, the importance of a mission that defines roles here, and the roles of the husband here and wife here.

Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

-1 Corinthians 7:6-9, ESV

For the past few weeks, we have been examining what Scripture clearly teaches about marriage and the roles within it.  First, we saw that God created men and women with equal value but differing roles as part of His very good creation.  We then saw how these roles are shaped by their greater purpose of fulfilling the Cultural Mandate before looking at the specific roles of husband and wife.  In all of this, we saw that fulfilling these roles reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church more beautifully and comprehensively than anything else.  Furthermore, God advances His Kingdom primarily through families such that the greatest impact most Christians will have for the Kingdom will come through their children.  But what about those of us who are single?  Does our singleness make us second-class citizens in the Kingdom and severely limit our potential to bear fruit for Christ?  To answer this, we need to look at what manhood and womanhood mean outside of marriage and the unique role of singleness in the Kingdom

Gender Identity Applies to All of Us

While the focus of the unity yet distinctness of male and female in Creation is most directly applicable to marriage, it impacts all of us in every aspect of life.  Adam and Eve were not only the first married couple but also made up the first church, government, and business.  This means that masculinity and femininity are at the core of who we are.  We must therefore approach every relationship in accordance with God’s created order.  We affirm God’s good design for gender when men generally work to protect and provide for the women around them and women generally support that leadership.  The method and degree of leadership and support will vary, but this disposition is at the core of biblical masculinity and femininity.  John Piper defines such masculinity as “a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for and protect women in ways appropriate to a man’s differing relationships” and femininity as “a freeing disposition to affirm, receive and nurture strength and leadership from worthy men in ways appropriate to a woman’s differing relationships”.[1]  As this relates to women leading men outside of the home and church, Piper stated that such leadership would be contrary to God’s design if it was both personal and directive.[2]  As I pointed out in my leadership paper, the type of servant leadership extolled in Scripture is nondirective by default, meaning that in most cases women can lead men outside of the church and home in a way that affirms rather than usurps the God-given responsibility of men in general to care for women in general.[3] 

This means that even single men should feel a profound sense of duty to take care of those around them, particularly women and children, in appropriate ways.  There are enumerable ways to do this, large and small.  A big one is to fight against the abominable unholy trinity of human trafficking, abortion, and pornography—all of which exploit and harm women and children.  I recently saw the excellent movie Sound of Freedom, which is based on Operation Underground Railroad founder Tim Ballard.  This wonderful organization rescues children from sex trafficking.  But while we should all be able to agree that human trafficking is evil, we often forget how closely linked it is to abortion and pornography.  Abortion is not only the mass murder of the most innocent of people, but also facilitates human trafficking by allowing traffickers to continue exploiting their victims no matter what.  So much pornography is produced using human trafficking that when a man views it, he is most likely supporting and perpetuating human trafficking.  And while not directly related to human trafficking, another up-and-coming industry exploits and harms people—especially children: the grotesque bodily mutilation whitewashed as “gender affirming care”.  Christians cannot support the transgender delusion, but the way it exploits children and destroys people’s lives should fill everyone (especially men) with righteous indignation.  Therefore, godly masculinity should drive men to utterly reject pornography and fight against human trafficking, abortion, and the mutilation of children through transgenderism. 

But biblical masculinity works itself out in many other ways in everyday life such that women feel safe rather than threatened when men are near.  This means that men need to work like Boaz to create a safe and supportive environment for all women and children in their vicinity (Ruth 2:21).  Godly femininity then means supporting and encouraging men to act in this way.  This is especially important in our culture that has abandoned any sense of masculine responsibility.  Most men have no idea how to view their masculinity as anything but toxic. Furthermore, our culture has so thoroughly erased any concept of healthy masculinity that what was previously considered chivalrous is now be considered creepy.  As a result, men who do act on their God-given responsibility run the risk of being accused by the very women they are trying to care for—accusations which are very difficult to overcome.  Therefore, godly femininity supports men taking on this responsibility by helping them understand what actions toward that end would be helpful and which would be unhelpful.  It will take an immense amount of work by both men and women to embrace their inherent gender identity and associated responsibilities, but it is a worthy endeavor that will reverse the chaos of our society and ultimately serve men, women, and children as God intended.

That needs to start in the church.  Pastors need to teach godly masculinity and femininity in all of life, not just in marriage.  They must set clear standards and examples of godly masculinity for all of the men in the church while also helping them rise to meet those standards.  In teaching godly femininity, they must clearly explain what submission is and isn’t.  Submission is both voluntary and selective.  There is no Scriptural basis for the idea that all women should submit to all men.  Instead, even if we use the broadest interpretation of Ephesians 5:22 and similar verses—since the Greek terms for “husband” and “wife” can also be rendered “man” and “woman”—the woman’s submission is always to a particular man, which necessarily excludes submission to other men.  Therefore, churches need to teach discernment to inform that selection.  Additionally, churches need to develop the husband qualities we discussed here in all men.   This is one of the many ways churches need to equip their members for the work of ministry (Ephesians 4:12-13)—both married and single.

Singleness: Gift or Liability?

This brings us back to the topic of singleness.  For those of us who are single, what is our place in the church and Kingdom?  We can often feel out of place in the church, where even Scripture suggests that marriage is the expectation.  Both the Greek and Hebrew terms used for “husband” and “wife” are often synonymous with “man”, and “woman” respectively, showing that marriage is the norm.  Does that mean we singles are the third wheel? 

It can certainly seem as if singleness is a curse. Scripture says that marriage brings blessings from God (Proverbs 18:22), which means those blessings are withheld from singles.  In the Old Testament, we see a single woman described as desolate (2 Samuel 13:20) and widowhood as a reproach (Isaiah 54:4).  But while ancient cultures looked down on prolonged singleness, the Old Testament does not support such disdain.  Scripture says it is better to live alone than to marry poorly (Proverbs 21:9.19, 25:24. 27:15).  God also promises honor and a heritage to the “desolate” woman that is even better than marriage: “Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married” (Isaiah 54:1 cf. 1 Samuel 2:5, Psalm 113:9).

God similarly promises that unmarried men can have that heritage.  After forbidding faithful eunuchs from thinking of themselves themselves as dry, fruitless trees, God promises: “To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, I will give in my house and within my walls a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off” (Isaiah 56:4-5).  The New Testament goes even further, with Paul wishing that everyone was single as he was, recommending they remain unmarried unless they could not withstand temptation (1 Corinthians 7:6-9,37-39).  He later explains the advantages of singleness:

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

-1 Corinthians 7:32-35, ESV

Therefore, the Holy Spirit inspired Paul (a single man) to tell the Corinthians that singleness is not a curse but a gift that allows many opportunities for ministry that married people do not have.  He notes that married people have divided interests, trying to please both God and their spouses.  This will take up much time and effort that the single person can expend in other ministries, which has made singleness and important gift for missionaries throughout church history.[4]  In addition, we must remember that Jesus was single, so to think singleness is somehow inferior to marriage would be to call Jesus inferior.  And like all earthly institutions, marriage does not continue in the next life (Matthew 22:29-30, Mark 12:24-25, Luke 20:34-36), so many of the blessings of marriage are temporary.  And since marriage does not define manhood and womanhood, single men are no less masculine than married men, and single women are no less feminine than married women.[5]

It is also important to note that it is possible for single people to enjoy intimacy that is just as rich as marriage.  While our culture equates intimacy with intercourse so thoroughly that we cannot imagine having one without the other, Scripture clearly teaches the opposite.  The most notable example is the friendship between David and Jonathan, who loved each other as their own souls (1 Samuel 18:1-3).  While lamenting Jonathan, David says, “I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; very pleasant have you been to me; your love to me was extraordinary, surpassing the love of women” (2 Samuel 1:26).  We have such a cheapened view of friendship that we cannot fathom such love apart from sex.  As a result, the wicked and unstable have twisted (2 Peter 3:16) this passage to insinuate that David and Jonathan were homosexual.  Instead, their friendship was so close that David considered it even better than marriage.  God can give singles such friendships.[6]  Jesus promised that He would pay back everything we give up for the Kingdom a hundredfold (Mark 10:29-30)—even in this life, which He accomplishes through the Church.[7]

Finally, God is sovereign over every aspect of our lives, including marriage.  This means that He determines who will marry and who will remain single according to His good plan, so we must trust that He will work all things (including singleness) for His glory and our ultimate good.[8]  God gifts both single and married people uniquely in order to advance His Kingdom.  The Church in general and local churches in particular need both single and married people.  Therefore, single people can be just as fruitful for the Kingdom as married people can be.  Singleness is not second-best, but part of how God strengthens His Church.  There are no second-class citizens or third wheels in the Kingdom of God, so there shouldn’t be any in our churches either. 

How to Care for Singles

Recognizing the importance of singles in the church is one thing, but finding a place for them in the church is another.  How can churches best care for their single members?  First it is important to recognize that “single” is a broad category.  Some singles are like me—middle-aged professionals who have never married and have no children.  Others are younger, attending college or just starting their careers.  Still others are single parents.  And finally there are widows and widowers.  None are second-class citizens in the Kingdom, and all should feel at home in the church.  Here’s how churches can care for them:

• Don’t Focus on Matchmaking.  The first priority of the local church with regard to singles is discipleship and sanctification, not matchmaking.  As Greg Morse observed, marriage is not the mission—the Great Commission is.  Churches (and church members) need to focus on helping singles love Jesus more and become holy far above helping singles find love and become married.  There is a place for the latter (see below), but it must fall far below equipping all saints for the work of ministry, to increase our faith, knowledge, and maturity in Christ (Ephesians 4:12-13).  While most churches don’t overtly prioritize matchmaking, many have a few members who do.  Regardless of their intentions, prioritizing matchmaking communicates that singles cannot progress far in sanctification until they are married.  That contradicts what Scripture clearly teaches, so as with everything churches and individual saints need to keep the main thing the main thing.  Churches need to encourage and assist singles in running hard after God.   If a single man and single woman are running hard after God and find themselves running next to each other, the church should nurture that relationship.  But if the church is helping them get together without helping them run hard after God, the church has failed them.
• Don’t Segregate Small Groups: Churches may try to minister to singles by establishing separate small groups for them.  This is counterproductive, making singles feel more like outsiders, not less.  It also contradicts the pattern of the Christian life we see in Scripture.  Older people are to train and disciple younger people (eg. 1 Timothy 5:1-2, Titus 2:3-5), which happens best in small group and friendship settings.  The local church and its small groups should be diverse, with singles and families, young adults and the elderly, blue collar and white collar, etc.  This does not prevent separate singles groups from forming, but those groups should be in addition to and not in place of small groups.[9] 
• Families, Include Singles in Your Life: Related to small groups, close friendships between saints in various stages of life are extremely important.  This can start as simply as families inviting singles over for meals but can also grow into a close friendship in which singles become essentially part of the family.  Single pastor Sam Allberry described a number of such relationships, even one in which a family gave him a key to their house.[10]  For singles aspiring to marriage, I can think of no better training ground than experiencing the real life of an actual family firsthand through close friendship.[11]  In helping out with the routine duties and errands of the family, singles can bless families while preparing for potential families of their own.  Close relationships of this type can be especially helpful for busy mothers who may find it difficult to have fellowship and discipleship otherwise.  Since our society has abandoned and maligned healthy masculinity, significantly more discretion is required when considering inviting a single man into this type of a relationship than a single woman, but families should still consider inviting known and trusted single men into their homes.  As Christians, we need each other.  Married people need single people and vice versa, so such relationships are good and necessary.
• Encourage Singles to Be Involved in the Church: Most church events and activities are designed around families, so churches need to be intentional about including singles in the life of the church.  This doesn’t mean churches need separate single-focused events and programs, but it does mean that the singles in the church should be considered when planning events—and not just as volunteers to help with those events.  We singles should want to be involved in the life of the church—and sometimes helping with family-centric events can be a great way to do that.
• Don’t Overtask Singles: On the other side of the spectrum, churches can pressure singles to volunteer for everything.  Since they lack a spouse and children, singles are assumed to have ample free time.  However, it is important to remember that most singles must work full time and take care of their homes, so our free time is still limited.  We may not have the same responsibilities as married people, but we do still have responsibilities.  And if the aforementioned relationships are lacking, singles can feel pressure to take on too much out of a desire to feel less like outsiders.  Ultimately this can lead to burnout, so singles need to set boundaries on how much time they can devote to serving the church—and churches need to respect those boundaries.
• Facilitate Relationships: While churches must prioritize the Gospel over helping singles get married, the latter is still an important role of the church.  I think we can all agree that dating as we know it has been an abysmal failure—and online dating is even worse.  The best place for relationships to form is in the local church.  Churches should encourage and facilitate this while still keeping the main thing the main thing.  This starts with an emphasis on discipleship, through which wise church members can get to know a single’s desire for marriage and work though the various considerations associated with it.  Once the desire for marriage is verified, churches can and should help singles pursue marriage in existing friendship relationships or seek out a new relationship with the intent of marriage.  Then, churches should help and guide the couple through the relationship.[12]  For those like me who are in small churches, such a search will likely require the involvement of a denomination or network of churches.  The bottom line is that in an increasingly anti-Christian culture, it is downright foolish to expect those desiring marriage to find godly spouses outside of the local church or church network.  Again, this is not the primary job of the church, but it is still an important job of the church.

In the end, neither marriage nor singleness makes anyone any more or less valuable or effective in the Kingdom of God.  Therefore, we singles cannot say that because we are not married we are not part of the Body, and both single and married people cannot say that they have no need of each other.  We are all indispensable to the Body.  Singleness and marriage are tools God has given us to advance His Kingdom.  So for those of us who are single, we should not settle for singleness but be content in it, taking full advantage of its associated opportunities for focus on ministry and spiritual growth.  Some of us singles are not-yet-married while others will never marry in this life.  We have to trust in our God who is both sovereign and good.  We must not use singleness as an excuse for sin but as an opportunity for holiness.[13]  Singleness may not be a spiritual gift per se, but it is a gift for the time that we have it.  Let us pray that God would help us make the most of our singleness, however long it may last, using it to grow our faith and knowledge of Him and to display His goodness to the world through unfettered service, and that He would give us contentment in Himself while surrounding us with godly people—single and married. [14]  God is faithful to grant these requests, which ultimately glorify Him.  For all we have given up for Him, He will repay a hundredfold in this life and the next. He will make every trial in this life worth it…even singleness.

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[1] John Piper, “A Vision of Biblical Complementarity: Manhood and Womanhood Defined” in John Piper and Wayne Grudem ed. Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 41.

[2] John Piper, “A Vision of Biblical Complementarity: Manhood and Womanhood Defined” in John Piper and Wayne Grudem ed. Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 59-63.

[3] John Piper, “A Vision of Biblical Complementarity: Manhood and Womanhood Defined” in John Piper and Wayne Grudem ed. Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 63.

[4] John Piper, “Forward: For Single Men and Women (and the Rest of Us)”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem ed. Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 20-27; Marshall Segal, Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness & Dating, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2017: chapter 3.

[5] John Piper, “Forward: For Single Men and Women (and the Rest of Us)”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem ed. Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 30.

[6] Sam Allberry, 7 Myths About Singleness, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2019: 105-121.

[7] John Piper, “Forward: For Single Men and Women (and the Rest of Us)”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem ed. Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 27-28.

[8] John Piper, “Forward: For Single Men and Women (and the Rest of Us)”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem ed. Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 28-32.

[9] Marshall Segal, Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness & Dating, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2017: chapter 5.

[10] Sam Allberry, 7 Myths About Singleness, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2019: 75-76.

[11] Marshall Segal, Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness & Dating, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2017: chapter 5.

[12] Marshall Segal, Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness & Dating, Wiheaton, IL: Crossway: 2017: chapters 9 and 10.

[13] Marshall Segal, Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness & Dating, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2017: chapter 7.

[14] Marshall Segal, Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness & Dating, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2017: chapter 8.